I thought for a long time about whether or not to post this, but I decided that if I don't, I won't remember - or I'll minimize - things when babyhood is all a distant memory. This is what it looks like to solo parent, people, and it isn't very pretty! I also wrote it a few days ago, and Annika's slept better since (although not in her crib!), so my outlook is more rosy :) If you are worried about us, rest assured that we are fine!
Husband's trip to Peru has been ill-timed in terms of coinciding with Annika's discovery of separation anxiety. The past week especially, she screams like the wolves have come unless she is directly in contact with my body - whether it's day or night, if we are both in same place at the same time, there's either panicked screaming or I am carrying the baby. Independent sleep is limited to about 20 minutes (if I'm lucky) per day, and then she wakes me up all night long. If I spend too much time thinking about how I haven't slept - AT THE VERY BEST - more than 2 hours at a time in almost a year (:::more scream emoticons:::), then I start to fall down the existential rabbit hole...so I refuse to dwell on it, but I do need to document it for posterity. Need to poop? Well, you better be happy doing it with a fussy baby on your lap who is trying to reach into the toilet (or screaming at you from the pack and play). You should see/hear what my showers have been like this month (that's where I coined the title to this post this morning, as I sang to Annika to remind her that she wasn't dying from loneliness during the 3 minutes I took to speed shower) :) Somehow on top of that, I managing 100% of the cleaning/laundry/cooking/housework/CHRISTMAS SHOPPING as well.
I don't actually know how I am managing to do life, except to say that it's happening. Sort of.
Work is the hardest part. It is really, really hard to write scientific text coherently when this tired. It is even harder to write coherently and QUICKLY, which is key to life in academia. I have both papers and lectures to write, NOW, and they need to be excellent. Sometimes in meetings, I have a hard time even completing sentences since I have to work so hard to find words. In my zen moments, it's actually amazing to watch how my brain breaks down under lack of sleep. When I was a competitive swimmer in college, my (very intense) coach used to give us The World's Hardest Sets (TM) and then pull each of us out at some point mid-set to the "filming lane," where she'd use an underwater video setup to film exactly how our stroke broke down when we were dead tired. It was illuminating, definitely, but also kind of sadistic. For an introvert such as myself who has high sleep needs, it's been both terrifying and awe-inspiring to watch myself balance on this very thin line of high performance(?) science while on 100% touched-out exhaustion.
I can't really talk to husband about it while he's gone, since if I sound overwhelmed, he'll immediately try to send his parents. I love my in-laws to death, but that's not what I need right now - and they've already stated that "helping" means taking Maya away, and she actually makes life with a baby WAAAAAAY more fun than being on my own - like, I can't overstate this enough. Maya is not only a huge help, she's a brilliant source of fun and laughter that fills life with joy. So I've really put in some thought over the last few days as to what it is that I *do* need.
What I actually need is...some (gentle) sleep training for Annika, done by husband.
I mean, overall, I'm just not a baby person (although I would say that I am a
kid person), and I'm REALLY not a no-sleeping baby person. The first year of my babies' lives has been harder for me than anything else I've ever done. It's harder than being a scientist for sure. If I had babies that sleep and don't nurse all night long, then maybe this would be entirely different, but they don't. I mean, Maya has grown into a fabulous independent sleeper, so I must have done something right - but it didn't happen during her first year. But going forward, I need the hours of 8pm-midnight, every night, where the baby is not my problem if she wakes up. If she is allowed to scream, no matter where I am in the house, she will wake me up. So someone needs to keep her from screaming, gently and lovingly "parenting her back to sleep" and teaching her that her crib is a happy and safe place to be. And that person needs to not be me!
On a high note, here are some adventures that we've had:
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| Maya and I went to go see Coco while Annika went to daycare! |
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| We loved it - including Olaf, which the rest of the world hated. |
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| If I am home and sitting, I *always* have babies crawling all over me. |
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| Maya self-proclaiming as "The Wicked Witch of the West" |
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| Pretty much nothing is as annoying as low grade baby whining |
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This is the life of a solo parent - baby won't EVER
let you load the dishwasher in peace |
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| So much standing! |
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