I am so #@$%&* tired

June 12, 2017

Hello, internet world - I am marginally functional. I thought having daycare three mornings a week would free up *gobs* of time for me to feel awesome, get in shape, and be uber productive at work.

I am giggling at myself right now :)

*If* I win the race out of the door in the morning and get everyone to school by like 8:30, I can get settled in a place to do work (either home or office) by about 9am. I can work until 10am, at which point I have to pump, at that takes about 30 min and requires 100% concentration on my boobs or nothing comes out. Then, I can do more work for about an hour, at which point I need to scarf down a lunch so I don't have to try to eat while I have the baby, because mostly I drop salad on her head when I try to do that. Then comes the run to go pick her up by absolutely no later than 12:30pm.

All that work for 2 (interrupted) hours of science? Which often turns into at least one hour of dealing with email? And if I want to work out in there somewhere...and that's all if I don't have something scheduled for someone else (meetings with grad students or colleagues, today I had a dentist appointment, etc.) during the precious daycare hours. Want a shower by yourself? Well, this is the only time to do it.

I think a big part of the problem is simply not getting enough sleep. I do best on about 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. I think I'm getting about 6 hours of broken sleep, which is actually fucking amazing for having a (frequently) nursing 3 month old. This week, I'm going to try to nap with her better in the afternoons, since I did that on Saturday and it was *decadent*.

Don't get my wrong, I'm still totally and completely in love with my baby (both of them, actually :)). I'm absolutely convinced that I don't get enough time with them, and we have such fun together. I am so happy with having kids, and I'm ecstatic that my family is finally complete. But, man, having a baby is so much work. Such an unbelievable amount of both mental and physical effort, especially to breastfeed one (which is going light years better than with Maya, by the way - absolutely zero pain, just like the books all say it should be!!). Managing milk is a 100% of the time effort. I nurse or pump something like 50 hours a week, and the times that I'm not nursing or pumping, I'm continually reminding myself to drink enough water and updating my calculation for the time it's been since she last ate. I can do less of this when I have her 24-7, but when I'm balancing day care and having her, then milk management is all-consuming. I don't feel like having two is twice as much work as having one (I think it's less, actually), but there's no getting around the work of having a baby, and I definitely have less brain space managing both of them than I did when managing only Maya as a baby. I'm getting even less science done, if that is at all possible. And look, I'm taking one of my work slots this morning and writing this blog instead of tackling the email, but that's mostly because I find blog writing to be exceptionally cathartic. It actually helped to go back and read my "how I get work done" post from Maya's babyhood, in which I proclaimed, "it’s actually just me doing nothing terribly well, just doing everything a little bit." This is totally it again - I'm keeping the ship afloat (sort of), but man, it is ugly :)

I guess the point of this post is that I wish more people understood just how hard it is to be a working mom (and I have it easy in many respects!). It's just one of those things that's so hard to imagine if you'e never done it, and surprisingly difficult to remember just how bad it actually was after it's over (kind of like childbirth itself, I think :)). I think more people need to stand up and say exactly how hard it is, again and again and again, so it becomes part of the collective consciousness. Everyone knows that training for an Ironman is super hard and requires an ungodly amount of effort, but the efforts of motherhood are more "expected" than something that impresses people. I wish that was different.

Anyway, the primary function of this blog is to post photos of my amazing kids for me to perv on for years in the future, so here you go :) The highlight below: Maya's learned how to ride her balance bike. She is both FAST and coordinated! Also, my mom and brother are coming to the North Country in just one short week, and I am soooooooo excited!!!