Postpartum

I wrote this at 10 days postpartum - this post is part of my processing of my birth experience so that I can give you all a more balanced birth story post (separating it from my recovery), rather than a frustrated one.  So please read it in that light - this is just me working through my feelings about a difficult recovery!

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Somewhat ironically, this story hit the (trashy) news circuit just a couple of weeks before I gave birth.  You see, some rich Norwegian model posted this selfie of her postpartum body just four days after giving birth...and the blogosphere went apeshit with angry women:

The model’s further explanation when questioned about why she felt it necessary to post said photo was (essentially) that she shouldn’t need to feel bad because other new moms don’t take care of themselves like she did.

Well, let me tell you, as a fellow thin person who gained a perfectly reasonable amount of weight during pregnancy, good genes and good diets do not always produce perfect bodies after birth.  You need to get lucky enough to have an easy birth as well (at the very least!).  Folks, this is what a four day postpartum body *actually* looks like:

Ok, so this photo was actually taken the same night that I came home from the hospital, so only two days postpartum.  But still, in this photo I am a) retaining about 20lbs - no exaggeration -  of fluid due to serious IV overhydration (= elephant legs; and ass, husband now tells me, although I wasn’t aware at the time), b) massively swollen from the tissue trauma of hours of hard core pushing, c) starving and exhausted, and d) dirty, because they wouldn’t let me shower at the hospital, and e) doped up on mega drugs so that I don’t pass out from the incision pain.  I was so broken, I couldn't even recognize myself -  which was really, really scary.  And all of these issues were the result of a difficult labor and delivery, not the result of lifestyle choices.

I do not look like a model.

I could have posted a photo taken today instead - I look a lot better now at 10 days postpartum.  In a photo today, I’d be smiling, thin, and loving on my baby in my arms.  My hair might even be done.  But there’s something pretty awesome about this photo and how real it is.  I have few priorities in this moment, the highest actually being FOOD.  While eating, I’m actually reading over the “Oh shit, I got a C-section that I wasn’t expecting, how the fuck do I care for myself now” paperwork given to me at discharge from the hospital.  However, my baby is tucked right next to me and still wearing the (adorable) hat given to her by my mom as part of her Coming Home outfit - forevermore, “in the picture.”

Normally, I stay out of both the trashy news and twitter fights, since I frankly don’t have time for either one.  And I don’t want to come off as judgmental of the poor model either - to each his own, and I really believe that.  I utterly and TRULY wish that every woman’s birth could be as awesome as hers!!  What a beautiful world that would be, if everyone felt like such a rockstar so soon after birth :)

However, I have spent too much time this past week dissecting how I ever got such a misguided view of labor, delivery, and recovery while I was preparing for them during pregnancy.  The best conclusion that I’ve embraced is that books, the media, and even doctors aren’t willing to be bluntly honest about what to expect.  The whole “it’s a natural thing and your body is ready for it, just trust nature” really just screwed me psychologically, in the end.  Sure, some deliveries are easier than mine, maybe even most.  But I know that there are others out there like me who got the rude awakening that childbirth can and does hugely traumatize healthy bodies.  It’s really more like a bad car accident than a marathon, quite frankly, at least for some people.

However, the stories and photos that get propagated are ones like this Norwegian model’s - good-looking, happy, whole people - while the women who are more broken by childbirth (me) hide somewhere away from cameras.  Doctors/books/media don’t show you the horrific photos, they don’t describe what exploded hemorrhoids actually feel like, they don’t tell you that your legs could be so swollen that your skin is so tight it feels like you’re wearing an extra pair of pants.  They don’t tell you that the childbirth recovery lasts way longer than you think it should.

So you get some honesty from me instead.  Women (and women’s partners!) contemplating pregnancy: be prepared!  Maybe you’ll skate by with no issues, but prepare yourself for total body destruction just in case.  Prepare to need narcotics (which I hate taking), prepare for the incredible constipation that will inevitably result from said narcotics (suppositories, my friends - and don’t wait!), prepare to have serious trouble walking/showering/moving, prepare for your milk to be delayed, prepare for your viscera to ache as things move back around inside your belly.  Prepare for hemorrhoids, prepare for tearing/episiotomies, prepare for a c-section even if you think you’ll never need one, prepare for painful but absolutely necessary car rides to the pediatrician, and most of all, prepare for it to take an incredible amount of time to heal.  Prepare for it to get worse before it gets better.

That said, also prepare to love your baby, because that’s the part that makes it all seem ok, in the end :)  

Oh, and don't be afraid to bake yourself some brownies!!