As many thoughts as I can write

There's not enough time for everything I want to do in life right now, that's for sure! I'm supposed to be reviewing a paper and definitely need to get to it today, but I have a baby sleeping in my lap and it's hard to concentrate on anything else :) I've been feeling like I'm missing opportunities with blogging, seeing as I haven't written anything much yet about what Annika is like as a baby, or how Maya is actually handling the transition to big sisterhood. I will try to remedy that now, as long as Annika stays napping and I can continue the awkward typing while balancing the computer precariously on part of my knee!

At nearly two months old, I can say that Annika is definitely another "spirited" baby. My mom, who was here only for Annika's first two weeks, said she wasn't and that if she got crazy, that's because we messed her up :) I tried to explain to her that Annika was super jaundiced and all she was seeing was a very lethargic and sick baby, which only gave the *illusion* of a mellow personality. Turns out, I was right - Annika is exactly like her sister in terms of being "high needs" - and they look awfully similar physically, too. She never, ever wants to be set down (or be alone in any capacity, even while sleeping), her reflux is nearly as bad (but she gains weight like a champ), and she screams in ANGER every time you don't do what she wants you to do. Husband and I haven't gotten to eat a single meal together yet since she's been born, except for the one where we went out and my parents babysat, because we have to eat in shifts. What is different, however, is how we deal with it. We're simply more experienced having done this once already, and our bag of tricks is far deeper. As a result, Annika cries much less than Maya did, but she requires 100% dedicated management at all times, especially a lot of babywearing and yoga ball bouncing. She is SO CRANKY when she wakes up in the morning, it's actually kind of funny. She doesn't smile - she's such a serious baby - and she doesn't much like people, myself included. Her motor skills are running about two weeks behind Maya's at the same age (unsurprising, since Maya was born two weeks late). However, she "talks" a ton - I can't believe the range of sounds she can make already. Maya was impressive, but Annika is unbelievable. She's really *trying* to talk all the time. She's supposed to be mimicking my smiling, but instead she's trying to mimic my mouth movements for talking. And then she fusses some more :)

The biggest thing that we do differently to manage Annika's neediness is bedshare. I have a very complicated relationship with bedsharing because it scares me a lot, thanks to societal pressure. For some reason, I am waaaay more afraid of SIDS/suffocation this time around than I was with Maya - I think I was just so overwhelmed learning how to be a parent and especially keeping Maya fed, I didn't have head space for anything else. This time I'm like, OH MY GOD, we're heading into the peak of SIDS (between 2 and 4 months of age) and I'm PETRIFIED. However, I can't tell whether bedsharing increases or reduces the SIDS risk...after a serious investigation of the primary lit, I'm inclined to think it actually reduces, which there is some literature to support, because your breathing helps regulate their breathing. It's one of the few things that Dr. Sears and I agree on! The problem is that the AAP doesn't support it and tells me that bedsharing will kill my child, and this causes me so much guilt for doing something "dangerous." That said, I am sooo much more rested than I was with Maya, even though Annika wakes to nurse quite frequently. Bedsharing is a godsend in terms of my happiness, and it doesn't "feel" dangerous while doing it. Annika sleeps well (8pm-7am), I sleep well (as well as possible), and I don't even know for sure how many times she wakes up to nurse because it doesn't really wake me up - I just plop out a boob and she often latches herself (not super well yet, but not bad either). Even husband says he "likes watching us sleep" (!!!) because we look so peaceful! Honestly, now that I've tried real bedsharing, the whole "baby needs independent sleep or you'll kill it" phenomenon FEELS like another example of Americans forcing women away from doing something better for both them and their babies and into something impossible for women to sustain without serious negative repercussions. But yet, if this baby dies on me, I will feel horrendous guilt forever that I prioritized my own sleep over the AAP recommendations. What to do, what to do.

Breastfeeding, however, is going MUCH better this time around. I can't believe how much easier it is. Annika still nurses like a baby wildebeest - SO loud with grunting, pops on and off a million times so that milk gets everywhere, kicks and squirms and then barfs it all out - but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad and my nipples aren't bleeding :) Our only issue at all right now is the fact that she stopped taking a bottle, literally from one day to the next. I don't know what to do about it, actually. We've now tried a million different bottles, and I'm not supposed to be the one giving it to her (I'm not even supposed to be in the house, actually), which limits our opportunities to keep forcing it on her (in a nice way, of course). She's supposed to start part-time daycare in June, since that's when our full-time spot opens up and we have to pay for it regardless of what we use, and I need her to take a bottle. (Also, starting daycare increases risk of SIDS, especially when you send them during that 2-4 month old SIDS peak, so I'm panicking about that, too). Anyway, we're working on it.

Maya is having probably an average adjustment to sisterhood. She's acted out in some ways (refusing to listen to husband or me, waking the baby on purpose, kicking the yoga ball while someone is bouncing on it, refusing to pee because she "doesn't have to!!!" and then peeing all over the floor, etc.), but there hasn't been any violence toward the baby at all, and she hasn't asked us to get rid of the baby in any capacity (yet). Mostly, Maya thinks she's kind of cute :) I'd say it hasn't been 100% smooth sailing, but it could have been a lot worse. The times I have both of them alone together are actually kind of nice because I really enjoy Maya's company, and she does help a fair bit when I ask (e.g., bribe) her to. It definitely makes caring for an infant more fun. I don't get enough time alone with Maya anymore, but I work some in whenever I get the chance. Also, I feel great pride and happiness seeing the two sisters together. My family definitely feels complete :)

Overall, I am blissfully happy. The biggest tension I feel is between my work and caring for the baby, but I'm managing it ok. The infant months will never (EVER) be my favorite, but the weather has been amazing, bedsharing has been amazing, and I've accomplished two major professional obligations while on maternity leave (giving a seminar somewhere and hosting a speaker here), thanks to my awesome in-laws for helping with childcare. My baby seems healthy, and she's growing fast - I think she'll be over 12lbs at her two month check next Monday. Sometimes I take a bath with both girls at once, which is crowded but fun :) Spring has come early this year so everything is greening rapidly, and we are talking about getting the garden in early and planning a camping trip to Canada for August. Overall, what else could a girl want?

Baby is stirring and I have to pee, so here are a few photos to reward you for all the reading :)