Real birth stories

For those of you joining us on The Great Baby Watch of December 2013, I am very much still pregnant at 39w5d.  According to spacefem’s data, 42.07% of babies with the same December 9th due date as mine have already been born by today.  That's a lot of babies.

I will post another belly photo on Monday at 40 weeks, just for posterity.

I’ve had this post collated/written for a while now, but I was really undecided about whether to actually post it since it might be considered in poor taste.  But because I’m desperately in need of some *humor* to keep my mind off of not having a baby yet, I’ve decided to go for it - but you are forewarned, this post is not safe for the squeamish (and DEFINITELY not for work)!  Perhaps I will regret this post later, because it probably is in poor taste.  But it's also pretty damn funny :)

I’m pretty sure that the labor/birth books all tell you the same (nuanced) lies and spin that you get in the pregnancy books, using phrases like “pressure,” “stretching,” “discomfort,” etc. instead of “ungodly levels of hellfire pain.”  Sure, most births really aren’t very traumatic, but the books sure don’t tell it like it really is.  For that, you need other, been-there-done-that moms give you the straight dope, no words minced, no matter how gory - so I wanted to share a few gems from a post linked on my internet birth club board.  For perspective, these were all relatively uncomplicated births, all things considered, resulting in happy, healthy babies.  Again, these are not safe for work or light stomachs:

“I warned the on-call ob (and nurse) that I had been measuring heavy on fluids, and he dismissively ignored me. He broke my water to start induction and it was like a fucking geyser of meconium water all over the ob. Nasty green meconium. It gushed for what seemed like hours and he very calmly removed his glasses and walked out of the room. The nurse started laughing hysterically as soon as the door shut. It's okay, though, because I projectile vomited all up in her business during transition.”

“He was sunny side up, and even though I had an epidural, I felt craaaaazy pressure on my colon from his head with each contraction. So I was rolling around in the bed yelling “My asshole is falling out!” every time I had a contraction. While holding my butt cheeks together with one hand.”

“I (shamefully) took castor oil at 40 weeks, 2 days.  About 4 hours later, I was in the other room and farted...and shit my pants.  I was horrified, and spent the next 20 minutes in the bathroom cleaning myself up and shitting out my insides before DH noticed.  And that was when my water broke.  So I'm dripping, cleaning shit off the floor, cleaning fluid off the floor, and trying to not let DH know until I got everything in the washer, because I knew we'd be gone and my mom would come over.  I'll never forget nonchalantly walking to the laundry room, holding poopy panties, jeans, and towels, totally dressed but waddling so I didn't leak, seeing DH, and saying, "Just doing some laundry."  He looked at me like, "ooooohh kayyyyyy????"

“When lo was born, she had her right fist up by her face.  Once she crowned, she punched her way out.  Yeah. Had a big old J-shaped tear there with about 10 stitches.  Thanks, girl.  And DH went down there because he WANTED to see them stitch it up.  ?!?!?!  Freak.”

“With #1, I answered the door to the paramedics without any pants or underwear on. Just a shirt, and it wasn’t a long t-shirt either. My water broke while I was sleeping, then I started gushing blood. Freaked out and called 911. My husband was at work 45 minutes away and in my birthing class the instructor said, "If you start bleeding a lot, that’s bad - oh, but I won’t go over that because it won’t happen to any of you." Well, bitch, it happened to me! Luckily it was 1:30am, and I’m assuming my neighbors weren’t outside watching. My husband cleaned up the bloody mess in our house after taking pictures and telling me it looked like a murder scene in there.”

“My afterbirth missed the bucket & was splattered all over the floor!! The nurses and doctor were stepping in it! Haha! I think the whole experience really turned my husband off of vagina.”

“I barfed during labor. My nurse saw the monitor and thought I had a really strong contraction. No, bitch, you just never gave me the antacid I asked for an hour ago, so there it is for you.”

“My induction was crazy fast, 0cm to birth in 5 hours. Anyway, there were tons of people in the delivery room. My placenta wouldn't detach so my OB had to shove her entire arm up my vag to get it...fun. Then, as she was sewing me up from all the tearing, I started farting. I couldn't stop and I kept apologizing but I couldn't control it. I felt so bad for farting in her face...multiple times. I really hope it didn't stink.”

“With DD I was induced and it took foreeeeeeeeeevvvver. OB broke my water in the morning and it gushed EVERYWHERE. There was a TON of it (which pissed me off, since the reason they'd told me I needed to be induced was for LOW amniotic fluid...liars). My placenta did not fully detach (although it was HUGE), so my lovely OB had to shove his entire arm up my lady bits to try to clean me out. I actually ended up retaining a couple of fragments and woke up DH in the middle of the night to check the toilet to make sure it really was a huge clot I'd passed and not poop or something. It was definitely a clot. He told me never to ask him to do that again.”

“After my son was born, he was getting cleaned up and all that good stuff and the doctor is massaging my uterus - yes, like elbow deep up my hooha. I can feel the blood gushing out every time he pushes on my my stomach.  I remember asking several times if I was going to be okay and feeling panic setting in. They finally realized my IV was still fully open and I guess keeping me from clotting or whatever and stopping bleeding. After they shut it off, I stopped gushing blood. But I had filled a whole bin full of blood, and my husband said it looked like someone gutted a deer in it.”